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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in sarah's LiveJournal:

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Friday, April 25th, 2008
11:47 pm
is it true what they say? who is they anyway?
it feels like something just bit my leg.
or stung it.
but i dont think anything did.
i am very fucking excited to work on my photo portfolio.
fuck fuck fuck.
i want to work on it right now.
too fucking bad all the days the lab is open are all the same fucking days i always work.
great job.

i can't fucking relax.
god damnit.
it never stops.
nothing stops.
the thinking.
and worrying.
and thinking thinking thinking.
i need to tie up loose ends and sodder them shut.
shut shut shut.
i dont think thats how you spell sodder.

i need to talk to you.
im not sure what to say.
just come running with me and maybe nothing will have to be said.
always running.
always end up lonely.
even when you're not alone.
fucking fool.
i fool.

cats are awesome.

i will go running again tomorrow.
i will continue to run.

i need to go camping/hiking.
right now.

tomrorow will be the only day i have to relax for the next...
oh god.. 11 days.
i have work/school every day for the next 11 days after tomorrow. actually..maybe more than that. god damnit.
fuck you. sarah. you fucking idiot.

i need to get my car fixed..or just keep driving on it broken.
which is always a good idea.
clean my room.
clean my car.
not get fat.
don't cry.
don't have bad dreams.
if you even sleep again.
if you ever call.
if i ever get time to fucking read again.
for the rest of my life.
i want to read.

my back hurts.

ohhhh mine does too..

oh yea? does it?


fuck you.
you have no idea.
don't fucking compare yourself to me any longer.

don't do that shit again.

don't care anymore.

just make it through this year
this month
this week
this day
this hour
this minute
this second.
just make it through this second
ok good job...
now this one.
you're doing great.

keep going.

Current Mood: anxious
Monday, March 3rd, 2008
9:13 pm
god damn coffee grounds in my fingernails.
Boy oh boy.
I just never feel like doing anything anymore.
I'm always fucking exhausted from working.
my room is a complete fucking mess.
I never even feel like showering.
It's just a lot of effort.
I hardly see people at all.
except people I work with and when I drive down to portsmouth...
or sean drives up here.

I did go to the Lungs and Men as Trees show last week though.
That was very refreshing.
They are all just really cool guys and I feel like I can relax around them.

Matt Dibley and I went to Portsmouth for the weekend.
That was really a good time.
It was nice just hanging out with sean, matt, and clint.
because girls are ok sometimes...but generally..I enjoy the company of guys much more. They are just more fun and joke around and aren't frigid and shit.
Was it weird to hang out with Matt and not Jacob, you ask?
why yes, but only at first. They really aren't that much alike.
Matt's a cool guy though.

The weather today was fucking fantastic when I woke up...
It's too bad that I had to work for the part of the day when it was nice.
But I left a little bit early and drove through the dam before I got to the airport.
I made a mix this morning to listen to on the way..so I was getting pumped for nice weather.
It is also unfortunate that it shall be freezing for at least the next week...
but eventually warm times will come again!

You know the one thing I cannot wait to do again..
jump off ludlow falls.
I realized that is one of my favorite things in the entire world.
because once you jump...
and you're in the air...
you can't think about anything but that moment.

and one day last week when I listened to A With Living...
it reminded me of that one time last summer when chris, mick and I were driving to ludlow to jump off.
I just remember how great that moment was.
damn. last summer was really a good fucking summer.
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
11:24 pm
dreaming in coffee grounds.
oh dear.
I am hungry.
Earl grey is fucking awesomeeee tea.
Well I had my 2nd day of real work today..besides the training day also.
So the last 3 days have been very exhausting.
The Airport is a fun place to work.
I like the people there.
but it is very stressful...and fast paced.
I hope I don't close too often at the coffee bar because there is a lot of shit to remember for being alone.
It would be fine, I'm sure...
but having a spotty memory is sometimes a bother.
Sooo..tomorrow I have:
band practice.
a trip to the bank.
other errands.
get directions.
driving to portsmouth after class.
I am excited to go to portsmouth and sleep though.
on Thursday we are going to cincy to see the musical Wicked.
that should be sweeeet.
then we are driving back to portsmouth...sleeping for...not that long.
then..i shall have to
wake up
drive the 2-2.5 hours to dayton
go to work...be there at noon.
hectic...but it works.
can I breath now?

Current Mood: sick
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
11:13 pm
coffee and cigarettes.
Well I got a job at Boston Stoker today.
Training is on sunday 8:30 AM to 5 PM.
Sean left today for Portsmouth.
but may be coming back on weekends to play indoor futbol.
aaaahh meeeee.
Heath Ledger is fucking dead.
god damnit.
that is just leaves a bizarre feeling in my stomach.
it just feels odd.

I am going to write some music now.
because nothing i write is really good enough to work with in the 3 fucking bands I play in...so...I am just writing my own shit.
that is that.
i wish i could play in some sort of band like...gregor samsa-esque
oh well.
it is what it is, yo.

Current Mood: anxious
Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
8:03 pm
I don't need a photograph cause you never left my mind.
Christmas was/is good.
it's weird.
I got some good movies
and lots of good books
and underwear.
I never actually thought about what I was going to get.
I just hoped people would like what I got them.
I mean..after I had given all my presents out I was like..
man...I want to give more!
But now..I am going to save money.
I am going to get a job.
And..tomorrow I'm going to put 155 dollars in the bank.
I must start saving for Iceland.
Also...My family is going to go to Ireland not this summer but next summer.
Soo...I will be going to Ireland..then..separating from them and going to Iceland hopefully. I really want to work.
but I'm scared.
I also really like Sean.
oh man.
but..I dont know if I should say that.
It may only get fucked up.
oh well.
what's there is there.

Current Mood: fine, my back fucking hurts.
Saturday, December 15th, 2007
2:36 pm

I'm not sure if it works...but there is a recording.
1:46 am
i miss you... but i haven't met you yet.
I saw Heima tonight in Cincy.
It was amazinggggg.
It is the movie that Sigur Ros made..for those who are unaware. :-)
I MUST go to Iceland.
Who wants to come?
and then dan and i got coffee at this sweet place
next door to the church where we watched the movie.
it was a nice place.
then we listened to Godspeed You! Black Emperor
on the way home.
things got pretty fucking crazy.
as they normally do when i drive and listen to that.
mmm. I bought some cookie dough.
and...i have a pomegranate.
that i must eat.
but my stomach is bumpin at the moment.
i just burped and threw up in my mouth a little bit.

great job man.
i thought you were really retarted.
you're better than that corky kid...
and he's ACTUALLY retarted.
i mean...if there were some retarted oscar...
you would win like hands down,

gooood scene.
I love the way she says ass..it's really great.

yay! i'm excited to see Sean this week and burn some cds.
because..i had a lot of fun with him in portsmouth.
aaaaand...I am finally finished with the largest part of present making.
damnnn. that was some shit!
so hopefully the people that shall be receiving this present
will enjoy it.
Halloween 4 is on. not Halloween IV...but 4.
aint that some shit?
even though..it is halloween ..and halloween II and even halloween III i do believe.
fucking bullshit is what it is.
oh well.

Current Mood: cold
Tuesday, December 4th, 2007
11:33 pm
piss poor
I don't know why I do these things.
I need to never ever have any sort of relationship-ish thing
it just fucks things up.
always fucking things up.
I can't keep friends.
I can't keep boyfriends..or well..ever get them to that point.
what is so wrong with me.
I just want to be able to have some friends.
damnit why am i so awkward!!!!

Current Mood: distressed
5:37 pm
dirty dirty.
god damn.
bluegrass music is so fucking good sometimes.
Good thing that old mandolin-playin man let me borrow some cds from him.
that day was awesome.
the fucking man that came to fix the lock on our back door
he brought me in all these cds to burn
once he found out that we had a banjo.
he was even wearing overalls.
people really are great sometimes.

i need to surround myself with good people.
rather than shit.
it's more difficult than i thought.

Current Mood: cynical
Sunday, October 21st, 2007
8:14 pm
I had just gotten back. It was time to do homework. No. The phone. It was Eric.
Want to see this movie, Into the Wild?
I was worried the whole time driving because I wasn’t sure if they accepted debit cards. Should I stop at the bank? No time. ATM? No, it might be one of those ones that takes $2.50 out. Fuck that. I don't have that kind of money.
They accepted debit cards. My signature is getting more signature-like. You know, fast, scribble-y. I never write in cursive, so it has always been print.
I need a drink. Cotton mouth is an epidemic. Water fountain? No. I remember now. Last time I just used the sink, but this time there are lots of older women in there. I didn't think they would appreciate a young girl like myself using the sink to drink out of. They might say, "AH! Kids these days. They are just so rude."
This movie is epic. Don't cry. God damnit. You are crying.
“I am about to pee my pants.”
“Well, it's probably almost over.”
That's funny. I don't have to pee, and I ALWAYS have to pee. Great!
Movie’s over. I suppose I'll pee now. Since you will be peeing and...oh shit. I forgot women's lines for the bathroom are always miles long. I don't even have to pee that bad. If I get out now though, I'll make a scene. I've been in line too long to get out now. Only 2 left.
Blah blah blah. You talk a lot. I am not saying that I don't enjoy it, it's just that, it is a lot. I just stare off and my eyes are welling up. I can't see anything, not because of the tears, but because of the staring. It's all fuzzy. Shaking. It's quite cold, but I would be shaking regardless of the weather.
Those assholes sure are loud and annoying. They are not making this situation any easier. They are making it harder, in fact.
“HAHAHAHAHAAA. I am soo wasted.” "Hey, enjoy your dessert!"
“I don't have any dessert.” Asshole.
Heyy, Derick. Whatcha doin'?
Ohh, hey. I'm at The Pearl. Where are you?
I'm at The Neon.
Oh. Come on over!
Nah. I'm not in the mood for The Pearl.
Yea, me neither.
See ya.
See ya.
Great. Now I'm fucking crying.
So I'm not exactly sure why, but I went to Krogers. (I call it Krogers because that is what people call it here, “Krogers,” not “Kroger.”) This is no ordinary Krogers. It is the largest one in the state of Ohio, possibly America, I'm not entirely sure. It's big. I walked around and it was very bright in there. I took a picture with my Holga camera of a man with a shopping cart in an endless aisle. I had to be sneaky so as not to disturb anyone or look like a teenage creep. I picked up a delicious looking red apple and headed towards Ingrid's line. Ingrid works there now. I decided to get the dark chocolate M&Ms too. It's hard to resist. I never really know when I decide whether or not I am going to get them. Sometimes I just stare at them. The decision just sort of happens.
It must have been obvious that I was crying because Ingrid asked if I had been crying. I said yes because...well...I had been. She probably thought it was some silly boy issue, which was not the case. It was not at all the case. She said she would call me after she got home from Ryan's after work. She never called. I was not really surprised.
I decided to do it. I had to do it. The urge was so intense that it seized my hand and floated over to the phone and wrapped itself around the buttons. I called Nathan.
Whatcha doin'?
Playin Halo 3.
Ahh, shoulda figured. Wanna do somethin'?
Uhhh. You can come over here?
See ya.
I went over to Nathan's. We hadn't talked in a month or 2. Things have changed.
I was at his front door when Derick called.
You at your house?
Nah. I'm at nathan's.
Aight I'm gonna come over there.
Mk. see ya.
see ya.
He never came.
I watched Nathan play some skateboarding video game while I kept watch on the records. I flipped them when it was time and even decided on what was to be listened to next. My ears were satisfied. I explained Into the Wild to him. He said he remembered seeing a trailer for it.
We ended up touching. I am never sure how this part happens either. It is much like the purchasing of M&Ms. I laughed when he was struggling to unbutton my shirt because, come on, it's funny. I asked him why he had stopped talking to me. He said it was because he had been very busy with school and work and his new video game. I told him he was full of shit and that I had missed him.
I also told him that I was going to bite him. He was not keen on the idea. He didn't want it to hurt. So, I called him a pussy and bit his shoulder.
God damnit. Where did all the napkins go?
Sunday, October 14th, 2007
3:08 am
what is real is not always real.
I dont want to ever have to call you
"my old friend"
I would not like it one bit.
because that would mean that we would not be friends for a long time.
and I would not like it one bit.
no siree.

i want to fix it.
i can't fix it.
i don't know how to fix it.
i want to fix it.

p.s. i have the coolest imaginary friend ever!
and he'll kick your ass with my help of course.

Current Mood: drained
Sunday, October 7th, 2007
1:43 pm
feather coughs.
so I'm not sure why I want to write these things down.
dream things.
it just seems necessary right now.

well last night..
Chris and I were somewhere..
with a bunch of other people..
I think it was pretty much everyone at the Boris show..
like..Brad, Dustin, Mick, Ian, I'm not sure if anyone else was though.
Im nto sure why but we were all just hanging out in this street.
and it was DEFINITELY fall outside..
because there were leaves everywhere on the ground.
and we pitched these tents so we could sleep in them after walkin around..
they were pitched in this street that was covered in piles of leaves.
but chris and i lied down on the street with my blue blanket and all these leaves were just surrounding us. so we decided to tell everyone that we should just sleep in the leaves instead of the tent.
Im not sure but..people had other plans or something.
so we were walking around and we were on this really narrow street.
we just stopped in a spot and started singing..
like..all of us..
it sounded sweet.
but it was like 1 or 2 in the morning..
and..the street was reeeealllly narrow..like we were feet from peoples houses
and windows.
and one lady came out of this reallly tiny house.
and she kept saying how small her house was.
like a matchbox or something like that..
it was really small.
smaller than my room.
maybe like 1/4 the size of my room and half the height.
anyway she wanted us to feel sorry for her..
and we just stared at her and then said ok..
we'd leave so we wouldnt keep her up.

then another scene happened..
we were in this huuuuge highschool type thing..
and there were allt hese soccer guys..
but it was like...a reunion or something..like..
years after we had played soccer.
and they were all huge for some reason.
and i was there..
and Irina came with me..
and some guy was there but I'm not sure if it was Dustin..or brad..or..
I'm not sure who it was..
but there was a yearbook type thing with just sports pictures.
and I was in some of them for being a manager on the soccer team.
and Irina was like.WHHHATTT??! what the hell?! aaahahaha.
she was all laughing and making fun of me for hanging out with them.
and...i dont know whatever.
so people handed out awards or something.
I know there was more..but I can't remember..
I know I had to pee a lot in my dream..
which correlates directly to real life.

anyway..i just remember it being really nice to lay in a huge mound of leaves
with this blue blanket and some people.

Current Mood: blah
Monday, October 1st, 2007
3:37 pm
carrots and koala bears.
that was the best day/night/adventure i've had in a very long time.
I don't even think anyone else would get it.
boston stoker.
awkward party.
shit at my house.
wanna go to cincy?
oh uhh sure!
hey mom can we go to cincy tonight? and tomorrow? we'll be back tomorrow.
uhh what yea ok..
let me meet him..oh man im in my pajamas.
ok let's go!
la la la.
talks in the kitchen.
getting ready.
drive drive drive.
oh shit.
hey mike hey ben.
hot dogs and fighting game.
wanna go?
yea we should.
24 hour laundry and tan!
walk walk.
snap snap snap!
oh shit this door is open!
let's go.
the stadium. night time.
british accents.
shit on starbucks..talk about Bstokes.
silent carrots and koala bear death.
sunriiiiiise! at the gayraaje.
heyyy! this one is kind of openish
look! i can lift the top one down.
let's sneak in.
woot!` pee.
nap? yes please.
chocolate chip pancakes? yes please.
walk more! yes!
snap snap snap.
oh man a tunnel..SCREAMM!!!
coke, peanut butter crackers.
AHHHHH laugh laugh laugh laugh.
omnimax ALPS.
don't cuss don't cuss.
must go to switzerland.
drive back.
thank you.
snap snap snap.
british accents.
Indian foood.
mike, courtney, jamie, dustin.
cheese balls in syrup.
mango juice. mmm.
sidewalk chalk amazing paintings.
see ya! see ya!
drive drive.
garden state.
BSTOKES. espresso shot ..12 cents needed.
Think of meeeee....
i have a surprise.
dance mix.
drive safe.
thank you.
good night. bye.

Current Mood: infinite.
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
7:02 pm
god damnit.
fuck talk like a pirate day.
I talk like a damn sailor every day of the year.

im very not sure of the universe.
there is no point.
and people should be killed and everyone annoys everyone else.
there is no stopping conflict or hate or anything.
i can no longer be optimistic about anything.
i am on the prowl.
i am on the lookout for fakers, liars, cheaters, people with hidden agendas.
i probably am one.
we all are.
why cant we just tell the truth?
because no one can handle it.

i can handle it.
i handle it much better than your bullshit.
i cannot do this shit anymore.
Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
9:40 pm
we are so very precious, you and i
underwear in a bowl of cheerios.

i just wanted to remember it.
i tend to like writing about adventures with cheerios.

there's that feeling again.
in my stomach.
oh no.
4:11 pm
Did you know that the Japanese don't really have a concept of love?
It's more duty.
I don't know if I can believe that.
If I can comprehend that.
If it is that way though...
then that is kind of sad.

I don't know.

I put myself in stressful situations.
or...they aren't really that stressful..
for a person who can balance things more normally.
I get hectic.
and my head always hurts.
I can't stop thinking.
school is fucking me over now.
even though I like it.
and I want to do well.
I am going to fuck up somehow.
or just be very stressed out an unhappy until the break.

Current Mood: stressed
Sunday, September 9th, 2007
5:41 pm
I was so excited about school.
and i partially am..i suppose.
just fucking busy work i hate.
astronomy...would be cool if my teacher wasnt...weird.
and i didnt have to sign up for this lab now.

japanese and photog will be the best.
except there is no one in my photog class.
no clint!
my teacher is neato though. woot.
i dont know about abnormal psych yet.
i was late and sick and dont remember a thing honestly.
now i have to go do annoying problems for atronomy.

i dont like this post.
i want it to be fall.
and take pictures.
and speak in japanese.
and work at boston stoker.
and live not in this house any more.

Current Mood: listless
Tuesday, September 4th, 2007
7:36 pm
mlehsh mlehsh
being sick is lame.
fevers of 102 are lame.
having a fever go away and come back
the day before school starts is very lame.
i want to feel better
and dance
and play soccer
and drink hot tea again!
and have fall come.

no more dizzy.

Current Mood: sick
Saturday, September 1st, 2007
9:43 pm
be no me
god damnit.
I feel like Fall.

I am Fall.
I am the sweaters and cold chills.
I am the apple cider and the pumpkin patch.
I am the dying leaves and awkward fires.
I am the smoke filled jeans and the pungent wet ground.
I am the lonely naked tree.
All my friends have left me.

The was quite a spontaneous little poem there.
I'm not sure whats wrong.
I think I would just like to cuddle or have someone.
not talk or do anything just fucking sit.
and know that we are there for one another.
and have that be enough.
I would like a best friend.

Autumn is upon us.

Current Mood: lonely
Thursday, August 30th, 2007
11:44 am
not all that.
Last night was the weirdest fucking sleep in a very long time.
Got home around 4:30.
was not really tired..so I ate some cheese and lots of watermelon.
watched some show about sleepwalking.
turned the tv off at 5:33 because it was annoying.
did not sleep.
I had this vision or something where I was watching myself sleep.
but while doing so I was not sleeping.
it was like my eyes were a video camera watching from the ceiling.
Look at the clock. 6:45.
I hear my dad getting ready for work so I shut the door.
my dog opens the door.
I shut the door again.
Look at the clock. 8:39.
My cat is scratching at my window.
get up to let him in.
it's bright out.
I turn.
and turn.
and turn.
I think I had one dream though.
Unless it wasnt a dream but just one of those thoughts.
that you think is very real.
I imagined that I read 20 some odd pages in Metamorphosis.
which I very much thought about doing before going to "sleep"
or whatever the fuck that was called.

fuck. thinking too much.

Current Mood: curious
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